What To Consider Before Deciding To Cut Ties With Your Family, According to Therapists

HIGHLIGHTS

• When distancing from family may be necessary
• The emotional and psychological impact of cutting ties
• Therapist-backed insights before making the decision
• How to set boundaries without total disconnection

The ins and outs of family estrangement

Key Takeaways

• Estrangement often happens to protect one’s mental or emotional well-being, especially in toxic or abusive family situations.
• Cultural and social pressures can make it harder to distance oneself from family.
• Coping strategies like therapy, mindfulness, and support groups can ease the grief and stress of estrangement.

Family dynamics can be complicated—so complicated that we might want to cut our losses and go no-contact. You’re not alone if you feel this way. In fact, a growing number of people are becoming estranged from their biological family.

Why someone might choose to distance themselves from family is complex and personal. As a society, we tend to moralize this choice—as if you’re inherently a bad person for separating yourself from a harmful situation. But choosing estrangement is a decision many don’t take lightly.

What Leads Someone To Cut Ties With a Family Member?

In any relationship, we exist on a spectrum from high contact to low contact to no contact. The choice to decrease contact may depend on many factors, such as:

• Toxic and unhealthy relationships
• Denial or withholding of funds or resources
• Mental, physical, financial, or emotional abuse
• Substance addiction
• Mental illness
• Political polarization
• Different religious and/or cultural beliefs
• Shifting family dynamics, such as divorce or controlling marital partners

Alice Zic, MPH, LCSW, a trauma therapist, says it’s important to understand that estrangement isn’t a simple decision. It often involves deep thought, especially since many don’t want to reduce or eliminate contact with their family member(s). 

“I think with a lot of folks, when they finally get to that point of estrangement, it doesn’t always feel like it’s a choice,” she says. “I think it kind of feels like this is something I have to do to preserve myself.”

The Reasons May Not Be Obvious to Both Parties

The process of estrangement is rarely cut-and-dry. The amount of contact you have with a loved one shifts and changes. 

Joshua Coleman, PhD a psychologist and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families, adds that estrangement is often rife with miscommunication. 

“A lot of parents say, ‘Yeah, I made some pretty serious mistakes,’ but probably the majority don’t understand why that would produce an estrangement,” he explains. “Some just have no idea. Sometimes, it’s because the child is telling them, and they’re not accepting it. Other times, some adult children, probably because they’re conflict-avoidant, haven’t really told their parents, so they are operating in the dark.”

What Are the Psychological Effects?

Some studies show that a person who chooses to separate from their family member(s) experiences a range of emotions at the beginning of the estrangement, including anger, sadness, and stress. Over time, these feelings diminish, though anger and sadness may persist at lower levels.¹

A 2017 study noted that adult children estranged from their families found their separation necessary but a painful loss they will grieve throughout their lifespan.² Another study reported the opposite, citing that those initiating the separation feel a sense of liberation, stress relief, and a realization of one’s purpose.³

The reality is that estrangement is complicated; how one feels about it depends on the person and their circumstances—especially considering most estrangements are marked by on-and-off cycles.⁴

Patricia Dixon, PsyD , a clinical psychologist, adds that social media glamorizes estrangement, noting that it “makes people more comfortable with becoming estranged because they can still stalk the person through social media.” She adds: “It’s almost as if, if I cut you off, [I can] still know what’s happening in your life.”

Instead of rushing towards estrangement, Dixon recommends setting boundaries and expectations in your relationships. This, she says, will help curb the mental and psychological stress that may come with being estranged and grieving your lost relationships.

How Does Society View Estrangement?

Societal narratives surrounding estrangement regularly place reunification or reconciliation on a pedestal. They often ignore the reality that estrangement can be beautiful, painful, illuminating, and a whole host of other experiences, often all at once.

Dixon believes this pressure to maintain familial relationships can actively harm those considering estrangement or who have gone no-contact.

“This is someone you were once close to, and they had a strong foundation in your life,” she says. “To distance from them can bring up a number of feelings, including grief, which is this sorrow of what was. In some ways, it’s not even grief of what was—it’s the grief of what you thought the relationship would be.”

Culture Can Play a Part

Dixon says there is a cultural expectation to stay in contact with your family, which can be particularly damaging for people of color. 

“There tends to be this kinship for survival, for making it through the different discrimination that you may face as a person of color,” she says. “And so there becomes an added pressure of having to remain family and bonded because we’re supposed to protect each other. For somebody to step away from a family member, there’s this pressure and shame.”

Zic adds that these pressures can make estrangement more difficult, particularly if your cultural background stems from a collectivist culture.

How To Cope With Estrangement

Here are some ways to cope:

• Physical or mental practices: Zic recommends therapy,meditation , or movement-based activities to help nourish and ground you.
• Chosen family: This is anyone in your circle with whom you share a family bond, regardless of whether you’re actually related. “Having chosen family [means having] people who remind you, ‘Hey, I trust you. We can navigate relationships differently,” Zic says.
• Mental health professionals: Seek a mental health clinician who understands the intricacies of estrangement.
• Online support groups: Websites like Together Estranged and Stand Alone have online support groups to help you cope with being estranged from family.
• Group therapy: Research shows that group therapy reduces the psychological stress of estrangement. ⁵

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What To Consider Before Reconciling

Whether you decide to remain estranged from your family or seek reconciliation, know that either decision is completely valid.

If reunification or reconciliation is a goal, Coleman recommends communicating expectations and a timeline. He often tells his clients interested in reconciling with parents to “let their parents know the changes that they need or want them to make and that they’ll check back in with them in six months or some period of time.”

“Often adult children are saying to their parent, ‘You need to do your own therapy, you need to do your work.’ But they often don’t give the parent a timeline,” he says.

Bottom Line:

Family relationships are complicated. Sometimes, years of resentment, trauma, and buried feelings can’t be solved. And sometimes with therapy, changed behavior, and forgiveness, they can. But it’s not up to society to decide this for you. Chat with a therapist, set boundaries with your family, communicate your expectations, and go from there.

What Therapists Say You Should Think About

1. Are You Escaping or Protecting Yourself?
There’s a difference between avoiding discomfort…
and protecting your mental health.

2. Have You Tried Setting Boundaries?
Sometimes, distance—not disconnection—is enough.

3. What Are the Long-Term Effects?
Relief now… doesn’t always mean peace later.

The Emotional Cost No One Talks About

Here’s the truth:

Even toxic relationships…
are still relationships.

And cutting them off can bring:

• Guilt
• Loneliness
• Doubt

Freedom can feel heavy.

Sometimes Distance Is the Healthier Choice

Not every relationship can be fixed.

And that’s okay.

But the strongest decisions are the ones made
with clarity—not just pain.

Think Before You Sever

Cutting ties is powerful.

But irreversible in many ways.

Make sure you’re choosing it
for the right reasons.

Cutting Ties Isn’t Always The Answer…

Thinking about cutting ties with your family? Discover therapist-backed advice on what to consider before making this life-changing decision.